I have just passed the 2 year mark from losing Brian.  I hate to say losing.  I did not lose my son.  He was taken to heaven at 22 years old.

I often reflect on my response over the last 2 years.  I still feel like I am in some sort of dream state.  I go through the motions of life.  I experience joy and happiness for others.  I am excited for my children and their future.

And yet, when I look deep, I see murky waters, clouded with bits of "what now?"  I feel like I should have a purpose.  I think I should have a purpose.  I know God has a purpose for my life. I continue to seek God's will for my life after losing a child.

There are many women who have lost children.  I am not alone. At the same time, it is a club of loners.  We tend to keep to ourselves.  I cannot speak for other moms.  However I know that I would be more than willing to walk alongside any mom who is going through the loss of a child.

Not because I have the answers.  There are no answers.  I do have arms to wrap around a grieving mom and shoulders to soak up tears of longing and loss.  I would gladly take away another mom's pain.  I cannot.

Some people have commented to me that I am strong.  My reply is "I am not strong.  My God is strong!"    How have those words led me through the past 25 months?  Where does that take me from this day?

I would like to examine that fuller as I face the days ahead.

October 4th

This is not the beginning of the story.  This is not the end of the story.  I am not sure where any of this fits in with the plan God has for my life.  I do believe God has a plan.  Maybe it is as simple as going to work each day and coming home to be wife and mom.  And so I am not sure where this chapter fits in.  I do know it is a chapter filled with overwhelming grief at a loss I cannot bear without the peace and love of God our Father through Jesus Christ.

Six weeks ago I was having a delightful Saturday afternoon with my son Brian.  Brian was home visiting from Bend Oregon where he lived.  We spent time looking at some property he wanted to buy and build a trailer house on.  We went to the movie, When the Game Stands Tall.  We had a great time together hanging out. 
Saturday night he went to David Perry's birthday party in Chowchilla and Sunday Chris picked him up and they spent the day with eachother in Yosemite, Brian's favorite place.  When they got home Sunday night, Brian packed up his car with some camping gear we no longer needed and some of his other belongings from his bedroom.  He really was ready to move out and move on as an adult.
We all went to a fast food restaurant before he took off for Bend.  The night was filled with smiles and I remember thinking that for the first time in the four years since Brian had left home, he seemed like he had a good plan in place and was ready to make a life for himself in Oregon.  I was perfectly at peace as he drove away.

The blessing of that weekend comforts me now as I mourn his passing.  On Monday, August 25, 2014, Brian was in an automobile crash that took his life.  The days since have been somewhat foggy.  One friend referred to it as spiritual anesthesia.  I concur.  I could not possibly bear all the grief of this loss in one dose. 
I am glad that when I was a mom to young kids, I chose to savor the phase they were in.  I did not wish away the time by saying "I can't wait until.." I just enjoyed where we were in the journey.  I am comforted in the memories shared by Brian's friends and knowing that in his short life, he lived for each day.  He did not sit back and wait for life to happen, Brian faced it full on.  It is his legacy to those whose lives he touched.  They will never be the same.  We will never be the same.  I will never be the same.
I love you Brian, yesterday, today and forever.

080412 ISAIAH 64-66

ISAIAH 65:21-22....They shall build houses and inhabit them. They shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit. They shall not build and another inhabit.  They shall not plant and another eat.
My child whom I love, today I want to tell you to continue building your individual relationship with me.  You need to be growing with me and in my Word as Harlan is also growing with me so together you can be the strong team I have planned for you.  If he grows and you do not, your tree will be as one seen by the creekside where one shoot is full of bright green leaves and the other is dry and brittle.  Both are of the same tree but the tree cannot fulfill its true purpose because one side is no longer growing.
I shall strive to add journaling to my daily prayer and reading time so I can grow in God's word and grow in my relationship with Christ so that Harlan and I are a formidable force united in God's truth.
Heavenly Father, thank you for your word that feeds and nourishes me.  Thank you for teaching me and reminding me we are united in you.  Father thank you for providing me with a loving man who loves you first and with all his heart.  As I go forward shape my time that I have time to first spend time with you without thinking of the pressing priorities of the day.  In Jesus' precious name I pray, Amen