This is not the beginning of the story. This is not the end of the story. I am not sure where any of this fits in with the plan God has for my life. I do believe God has a plan. Maybe it is as simple as going to work each day and coming home to be wife and mom. And so I am not sure where this chapter fits in. I do know it is a chapter filled with overwhelming grief at a loss I cannot bear without the peace and love of God our Father through Jesus Christ.
Six weeks ago I was having a delightful Saturday afternoon with my son Brian. Brian was home visiting from Bend Oregon where he lived. We spent time looking at some property he wanted to buy and build a trailer house on. We went to the movie, When the Game Stands Tall. We had a great time together hanging out.
Saturday night he went to David Perry's birthday party in Chowchilla and Sunday Chris picked him up and they spent the day with eachother in Yosemite, Brian's favorite place. When they got home Sunday night, Brian packed up his car with some camping gear we no longer needed and some of his other belongings from his bedroom. He really was ready to move out and move on as an adult.
We all went to a fast food restaurant before he took off for Bend. The night was filled with smiles and I remember thinking that for the first time in the four years since Brian had left home, he seemed like he had a good plan in place and was ready to make a life for himself in Oregon. I was perfectly at peace as he drove away.
The blessing of that weekend comforts me now as I mourn his passing. On Monday, August 25, 2014, Brian was in an automobile crash that took his life. The days since have been somewhat foggy. One friend referred to it as spiritual anesthesia. I concur. I could not possibly bear all the grief of this loss in one dose.
I am glad that when I was a mom to young kids, I chose to savor the phase they were in. I did not wish away the time by saying "I can't wait until.." I just enjoyed where we were in the journey. I am comforted in the memories shared by Brian's friends and knowing that in his short life, he lived for each day. He did not sit back and wait for life to happen, Brian faced it full on. It is his legacy to those whose lives he touched. They will never be the same. We will never be the same. I will never be the same.
I love you Brian, yesterday, today and forever.
